The Official MYD Name My Hens Contest ™

As it was foretold in the ancient scrolls, my little “hobby” of raising backyard chickens is slowly but surely turning into a full on addiction. And as any addict would, I just scored another fix. As soon as it hit my coop, I could feel the warm release course through my veins.

This must be what William S. Burroughs felt like…every day of his life (that lush).

My small handful of egg customers is continually clamoring for their own fixes. In the form of the weekend scramble. These cats are hip to the health benefits of organic free range eggs as well as the tastiness. They can dig it man (Shout out to Chacho and Becca).

So I thought it best to up the production schedule just for them. Not for my addiction. Nope, totally selfless activities going on over here. *ahem*. You buying any of that?

I’ve also decided that I should create a fancy new official Mind Your Dirt Excelsior Class Egg Carton™ to help sweeten the deal. Here is the first prototype.

Names My Hens_Official MYD Egg Carton

I spared no expenses in the ridged stress testing and prototype structural integrity testing. Mind Your Dirt scientists worked around the clock for countless milliseconds of analysis. The proper shade of green was achieved by collecting different algae from the greatest depths of the seven seas and carefully separating the proper rhizomes to create the perfect dye.

That, or I ordered them online. I can’t recall which is the case. Regardless, I am taking steps to increase my egg output and in doing so have employed the efforts of these two fine hens to chip in. Which is what brings me to your humble Interwebs doorstep this fine morning.

I’m not selling anything, and just need a moment of your time. Is your wife or husband at home? Perhaps they would also like to hear what I have to sell…er, I mean say.

Welcome to the official Mind Your Dirt Name My Hens Contest™!

We will be selecting two winners, one for each hen named. The grand prize for the two winners will be…the satisfaction of knowing that I will be yelling these names while in a bathrobe running like a maniac around my yard trying to herd these energetic little bastards!


Second and third place contestants will be awarded the semi-satisfaction of knowing that they almost won first place! Double and triple huzzah!

Sounds to good to be true? No. No it doesn’t

Basically, I simply want my readers to be a part of my grand experiment in urban farming. That way we will be connected beyond the flashing screen and unified in animal husbandry bliss.

That said, here are the little beasts to be named:

Names My Hens_Rhode Island Red

[Insert name here] is a plucky yet shy little Rhode Island Red. She enjoys poops on the straw and relaxing with a good snail on top of my head. When she gets older, she hopes to work as a part time model. But she really thinks she should keep her day job as she enjoys the dental benefits.

Names My Hens_Black Sex Link

[Insert name here] was hatched in the fires of hell and raw untamed passion. This Black Sex Link is a mix between the Rhode Island Red rooster and the Barred rock hen. She enjoys openly defying the Master of the farm and has no time for being confined in her run. She can officially fly higher than any of my adult hens and is begging for a wing clipping. When she grows up she plans to be hell-bent on global domination while sporting a stylish pantsuit.

So the challenge has been laid before you. Contest rules are simple: there are no rules. Simply leave your votes in the comments below and I will read each one aloud to these chicks and see which ones they choose. Good luck everyone!


The results are in!

52 Replies to “The Official MYD Name My Hens Contest ™”

  1. Clearly the redhead should be Lucy. And the headstrong black sex link should be Hillary. But you may not want to take my advice…. I have a hen named Tim Howard.

  2. 1. First though for red was Mathilda. Or Maude. Or Melisandre.
    2. Hillary immediately came to mind from your description… Maybe Cersei? And reading other suggestions, I also like Katniss…

  3. Feeling Twin Peaksy today: Audrey for the black sex and Donna for the red. Best not to name any of them Laura.

  4. Really? Did you just beg for the black one to be named Hillary? And when she’s just a bad memory, then what of the poor namesake hen? No, I cannot doom the bird to oblivion, so I’ll suggest Nefertiti–a powerful beauty in her own right, a noted monotheist (which is becoming in a chicken, and simplifies things)–and suspected to have ruled under a male name after the death of her husband. Not only that, but, in a bathrobe in the early morning, Nefertiti is quite a mouthful.
    As for the brown chicken, I’m stumped. All I can think of is Paris Hilton.

  5. Since you asked me to ask my spouse I asked him his thoughts. He said Ronald Reagan for the red one and Jim for the other. I think he may have forgotten hens are ladies. But, it’s still funny. Ronald Reagan.

  6. OK, so for my own vote I have thought of some famous raven haired beauties and red haired beauties for your consideration:

    Red Feathered Hen: Ginger Spice, Lucille Ball, Strawberry Shortcake, Scully from X-files, Daphne from Scooby Doo.
    Black Feathered Hen: Elizabeth Taylor, Vivien Leigh, Dita Von Teese, Kati Perry, and Priyanka Chopra.

    My personal favorites, Ginger, Scully, Shortcake, and Dita.

    All considerations should Ronald Reagan not be to your liking of course.

      1. Right? It kinda rolls off of the tongue. I love that my husband did not question for a second that I asked him to help name a friend’s chickens. No questions asked he comes back with Ronald Reagan and Jim. lol.

  7. I think Rebel or Bonnie (friend of Clyde) for the black sex link hen. For the Rhode Island Red Lady, Marilyn (Yes, the Monroe one) seems to best describe this well poised chic.

  8. Lucy as in Lucille immediately came to mind for the Rhode Island Red.(before I read other commenter’s suggestions) My Sister had a Black Sex Link named LOOSEY because she was such an escape artist. No inspiration has struck regarding your black hen, sorry.

    1. I think Lucy is the winner for the Rhode Island Red. The sex link is DEFINITELY an escape artist! Steps must be taken before she steals my credit card and automobile.

  9. Wanting to participate in hen naming, I went to Google with a few of the key words you used to describe your hens. Check out the photo of Juliette Lewis in the Music section of her Wiki page. Wild blue hair and feathers says it all.
    I like Lucy for the red, but Lucille Ball was anything but shy. Maybe there’s a redhead name that reflects her shy personality? A Google search for “shy redhead” produces nothing but links to porn sites. Oops. Changed search to literary characters and came up with this children’s book featuring a shy redheaded teenager named Paige Turner who is trying to adjust to the big city.
    Name suggestions: Paige and Juliette

  10. For the sex link who enjoys defying the establishment (you), name her Bernadette…Bernie for short, of course!

  11. with a nod to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”: Drucilla for the black feathered vixen and Willow for the sweet-tempered red-head.

  12. The first one looks like a Mathilda to me. Her nickname would be Mattie.
    The second looks like a hen I once had called Esmeralda. Her nickname was Esme.
    Decorous names for decorous ladies.

    1. Thank you random person who clearly is not “C”, nor “Chris” in any observable fashion!

      Also, “you were no put upon this earth to ‘get it’ Mr. Burton”.

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