As it was foretold in the ancient scrolls, my little “hobby” of raising backyard chickens is slowly but surely turning into a full on addiction. And as any addict would, I just scored another fix. As soon as it hit my coop, I could feel the warm release course through my veins.
This must be what William S. Burroughs felt like…every day of his life (that lush).
My small handful of egg customers is continually clamoring for their own fixes. In the form of the weekend scramble. These cats are hip to the health benefits of organic free range eggs as well as the tastiness. They can dig it man (Shout out to Chacho and Becca).
So I thought it best to up the production schedule just for them. Not for my addiction. Nope, totally selfless activities going on over here. *ahem*. You buying any of that?
I’ve also decided that I should create a fancy new official Mind Your Dirt Excelsior Class Egg Carton™ to help sweeten the deal. Here is the first prototype.
I spared no expenses in the ridged stress testing and prototype structural integrity testing. Mind Your Dirt scientists worked around the clock for countless milliseconds of analysis. The proper shade of green was achieved by collecting different algae from the greatest depths of the seven seas and carefully separating the proper rhizomes to create the perfect dye.
That, or I ordered them online. I can’t recall which is the case. Regardless, I am taking steps to increase my egg output and in doing so have employed the efforts of these two fine hens to chip in. Which is what brings me to your humble Interwebs doorstep this fine morning.
I’m not selling anything, and just need a moment of your time. Is your wife or husband at home? Perhaps they would also like to hear what I have to sell…er, I mean say.
Welcome to the official Mind Your Dirt Name My Hens Contest™!
We will be selecting two winners, one for each hen named. The grand prize for the two winners will be…the satisfaction of knowing that I will be yelling these names while in a bathrobe running like a maniac around my yard trying to herd these energetic little bastards!
Huzzah!
Second and third place contestants will be awarded the semi-satisfaction of knowing that they almost won first place! Double and triple huzzah!
Sounds to good to be true? No. No it doesn’t
Basically, I simply want my readers to be a part of my grand experiment in urban farming. That way we will be connected beyond the flashing screen and unified in animal husbandry bliss.
That said, here are the little beasts to be named:
[Insert name here] is a plucky yet shy little Rhode Island Red. She enjoys poops on the straw and relaxing with a good snail on top of my head. When she gets older, she hopes to work as a part time model. But she really thinks she should keep her day job as she enjoys the dental benefits.
[Insert name here] was hatched in the fires of hell and raw untamed passion. This Black Sex Link is a mix between the Rhode Island Red rooster and the Barred rock hen. She enjoys openly defying the Master of the farm and has no time for being confined in her run. She can officially fly higher than any of my adult hens and is begging for a wing clipping. When she grows up she plans to be hell-bent on global domination while sporting a stylish pantsuit.
So the challenge has been laid before you. Contest rules are simple: there are no rules. Simply leave your votes in the comments below and I will read each one aloud to these chicks and see which ones they choose. Good luck everyone!
UPDATE:
Ethel
For which girl? Red or black?
Clearly the redhead should be Lucy. And the headstrong black sex link should be Hillary. But you may not want to take my advice…. I have a hen named Tim Howard.
haha, these are great suggestions! I also have a hen named Tesla, so your advice is welcome.
1. Lucy, Fiona, Tally, Sienna, Bernie
2. Katniss, Amelia, Eve, Evie, Sable, Inky
All excellent! Thank you! That makes two for Lucy as well. I like Fiona for the black sex link on account of Fiona from Shameless…purrr.
1. Henny
2. Penny
You can run around yelling “the sky is falling” 🙂
You mean continue to run around yelling that…Only now I’d have a reason to.
The red one looks like a Gretchen, for some reason… The black one, Tulia.
I can see that. Although, I have an ex with that name and I’d hate to take out subconscious aggression on an innocent hen…
Which name? haha
The former… I’ve said too much already.
1. Arthuretta
2. Wilhelmina (for William)
OR Sable and Contessa
There is also Katusha which is my Russian name and one which I use for dance.
1. First though for red was Mathilda. Or Maude. Or Melisandre.
2. Hillary immediately came to mind from your description… Maybe Cersei? And reading other suggestions, I also like Katniss…
The black one was sending all those top secret coop emails… Hmm.
Feeling Twin Peaksy today: Audrey for the black sex and Donna for the red. Best not to name any of them Laura.
No, best not. Her arms bend backwards, but at least that gum you like is coming back into style…
Really? Did you just beg for the black one to be named Hillary? And when she’s just a bad memory, then what of the poor namesake hen? No, I cannot doom the bird to oblivion, so I’ll suggest Nefertiti–a powerful beauty in her own right, a noted monotheist (which is becoming in a chicken, and simplifies things)–and suspected to have ruled under a male name after the death of her husband. Not only that, but, in a bathrobe in the early morning, Nefertiti is quite a mouthful.
As for the brown chicken, I’m stumped. All I can think of is Paris Hilton.
hahaha, my thoughts exactly regarding Hillary. I love Nefertiti, great idea!
Henrietta for the red. Onyx or Cleopatra for the black. You’re welcome 🙂
Haha, much obliged!
Since you asked me to ask my spouse I asked him his thoughts. He said Ronald Reagan for the red one and Jim for the other. I think he may have forgotten hens are ladies. But, it’s still funny. Ronald Reagan.
OK, so for my own vote I have thought of some famous raven haired beauties and red haired beauties for your consideration:
Red Feathered Hen: Ginger Spice, Lucille Ball, Strawberry Shortcake, Scully from X-files, Daphne from Scooby Doo.
Black Feathered Hen: Elizabeth Taylor, Vivien Leigh, Dita Von Teese, Kati Perry, and Priyanka Chopra.
My personal favorites, Ginger, Scully, Shortcake, and Dita.
All considerations should Ronald Reagan not be to your liking of course.
All excellent suggestions! I do like the idea of saying “damn it Ronald Reagan, stop pooping on my shoes!”
Right? It kinda rolls off of the tongue. I love that my husband did not question for a second that I asked him to help name a friend’s chickens. No questions asked he comes back with Ronald Reagan and Jim. lol.
Pinky and the Brain
Very appropriate what with all the global domination and stuff.
Lavern & Shirley
Henrietta, and Hennessy (obviously the red head) 😉
I think Rebel or Bonnie (friend of Clyde) for the black sex link hen. For the Rhode Island Red Lady, Marilyn (Yes, the Monroe one) seems to best describe this well poised chic.
Very good!
Lucy as in Lucille immediately came to mind for the Rhode Island Red.(before I read other commenter’s suggestions) My Sister had a Black Sex Link named LOOSEY because she was such an escape artist. No inspiration has struck regarding your black hen, sorry.
I think Lucy is the winner for the Rhode Island Red. The sex link is DEFINITELY an escape artist! Steps must be taken before she steals my credit card and automobile.
Festus and Squeak are my own contributions but I must say I like the FB contributor who tossed in Yolko Ono and Princess Laya
You know Ive always loved the name Svetlana
How about just Thelma and Louise? Simple. Trouble makers but truly hen-oines. I meant, heroines.
Wanting to participate in hen naming, I went to Google with a few of the key words you used to describe your hens. Check out the photo of Juliette Lewis in the Music section of her Wiki page. Wild blue hair and feathers says it all. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juliette_Lewis
I like Lucy for the red, but Lucille Ball was anything but shy. Maybe there’s a redhead name that reflects her shy personality? A Google search for “shy redhead” produces nothing but links to porn sites. Oops. Changed search to literary characters and came up with this children’s book featuring a shy redheaded teenager named Paige Turner who is trying to adjust to the big city. http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8928004-page-by-paige
Name suggestions: Paige and Juliette
Well researched! And I’m definitely not going to Google search “shy redhead” the instant I’m finished writing this reply. Nope.
For the sex link who enjoys defying the establishment (you), name her Bernadette…Bernie for short, of course!
I heard that Lucille Ball was indeed shy (before she was famous). 😉
with a nod to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”: Drucilla for the black feathered vixen and Willow for the sweet-tempered red-head.
Like and like!
The first one looks like a Mathilda to me. Her nickname would be Mattie.
The second looks like a hen I once had called Esmeralda. Her nickname was Esme.
Decorous names for decorous ladies.
Madame Cluck Von Cooperton
Henrietta Henderson
Dutchess Vanderplume
Lady Gallus
Now we’re cooking!!!
Jasmine Omelette
Princess Nugget
Darth Layder
Hen Solo
Attila the Hen
Dolly Parthen
Eggsocist
Thank you random person who clearly is not “C”, nor “Chris” in any observable fashion!
Also, “you were no put upon this earth to ‘get it’ Mr. Burton”.
Which names did you decide on James?
HI Jenny. The red one is named Bernie and the black sex-link is named Hen Solo.
They both are the best hens in my flock. Friendly, inquisitive and playful. I adore them.
Here’s the details… https://mindyourdirt.com/2016/05/20/meet-bernie-and-hen-solo/