The Easter Horde.


Happy Zombie Jesus day everyone! Nothing screams (or peeps) Easter morning quite like the sound of a pack of newly hatched chicks. I tried to time their hatching for this morning for significant spiritual impact. They arrived a bit early though. Despite my efforts to stuff them back into crumbling shells. Tenacious and screaming for life, play, and a bit of fresh air they rose a little bit before the Jesus did. Timing is everything.

So no meaningful #Easterjesuschicks without a modicum of revisionist history. So it goes.

It is time for the MYD farms to renew the flock. I now have a small pack of freeloaders that produce fewer and fewer eggs. If any at all. More troops have been deployed to the cozy and warm depths of a darkened incubator via my good friend Aaron over at the East County Zoo. The hens I’ve gotten from him have always been happy and healthy beasts. He was also so very kind to have hand delivered the fertile eggs to the MYD Estates and Luxury Center on his way into town. Well played East County Zoo!

I selected Easter Eggers to help bring some splashes of color to my egg cartons. Aaron also brought over a breed he’s working on which is a mix between a Ayam Cemani rooster and a Black Australorp hen. He asked if I was interested in hatching it. You don’t have to try too hard to talk me into hatching any experimental breeds of any creature. As illustrated below.

So I said yes and loaded up the butt nugget oven. set the knob to Uber Cute Fluff Butt and waited.

There is something within us all. Deep in the gooey center. Lurking and slumbering as we walk this world of coarseness and slander. There in the depth dwells a dim light of hope and pure joy. One of the choicest ways to summon this light is to gaze upon the perfectly round and poofy backside of a fuzzy little baby chick. Then, POW! All the feelings!

Side note: You can really intensify this feeling if you stuff seven baby chicks into your stupid beard-face while they wiggle tiny beaks into neck fat warm cuddle pockets. Try to make your stupid beard face look like a hens ass if you’re able. Wash afterwards of course. Followed by the anointing of the oils. Performed by vestal virgins obviously. I’m no slouch.

Well folks, as you can probably gather with your sexy huge brains, I’m about to show you a bunch of baby chickens. On Easter Morning. No charge at all! So go ahead kids and release that warm light from the cockles of your inner nethers. For I present to you…The Horde!

Ermagerd! I can’t even with these poofs! Even as I write now, they are right behind me peeping and clumsily playing like a gaggle of lunatic cotton balls.

There was one problem though. The last egg was having some issues finishing it’s hatchery. I gave her 48 hours to bust her ass out on her own but she stopped making progress for most of that time.

The danger of “assisting” a baby chick with hatching is no joke. They need the time to fully absorb their remaining yolk sac. They also can still have some veins attached to the wall of the membrane under the shell. Pulling away shell before the veins have atrophied can cause the poor soul to bleed to death. ONLY ATTEMPT IN EMERGENCIES! And only if you have a handsomely skilled and steady hand…like I have two of.

Tiny tweezers, a razor sharp scalpel, and a cotton swap moistened in warm water were all in play for this surgery my friends. Total success! But the poor thing was a bit moist in parts where the membrane stuck the most tenaciously. Putting her back into the incubator damp could also kill the little squirt. So I set up a makeshift drying chamber in the bathroom sink.

Little hairdryer action along with a properly tuned hygrometer to maintain proper temperature and humidity (or lack thereof). And delightful electrolyte infused refreshments served in between blowings should suffice.

The little squirt is all powered up and poofy now and has joined the rest of The Horde in squidgy cuddles and delightful playtime. Followed promptly with “You got knocked the fuck out” level of heavy napping. Look at this widdle baby snuggle poof!

“Zzzzzz…snort..peep…murmblezzzzz…”

The Flock is about to get a shot in the arm of feathery butt nugget over-production. Well, in several months at least. Until then, drink this shit in homies!


3 Replies to “The Easter Horde.”

  1. You chose the wrong setting on your butt nugget oven. Them there chicks are certified TRIPLE Uber Cute Fluff Butts (says this eggspert). I already love the assisted-hatch chick best 💗

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