I’ll bet you didn’t know that once Donald Trump is done after a busy day of being the nations Orange Hitler, he likes to come home and relax. Let his hair down if you will.
The problem is, once his hair is down, it leaps off his skull and meanders its way to my backyard. Once it’s here, I like to call it Piper the silkie hen. One of my prized chickens. And I feed her and love her more than any other chicken/douchebag hair piece I’ve ever known.
I try oh so hard to not get political on this gardening blog. Mostly because you didn’t come here to hear the rants that I typically reserve for the poor saps that are around me all day long. I try to keep Mind Your Dirt and James Gielow ever so slightly separated. Sometimes things slip through the cracks. Like today when I caught Piper taking the most adorable dirt bath ever. She was just happy as a pig in shit to be digging and scratching and slathering filth all up in her fuzzy britches. It’s what chickens do to get any mites or critters out of their feathers.
When Piper does it, she likes to make little purring sounds like Gizmo from the movie Gremlins. And then my heart turns to jelly. But today I could’t help but see her as a sentient Donald Trump Hair-Beast and I began giggling. And then crying. Both for slandering my innocent little cutie pie fuzzy butt, as well as the current state of the nation where we have a choice between Orange Hitler and Grandma Nixon for president. But as Jefferson said, “We are given the government that we deserve” and this current situation is a reflection on what “we the people” have allowed to happen.
Now as we stand upon the threshold of The End Times©, I can’t help but wonder what part I’ve played to bring us here. I try so hard to live a decent and honest life full of honor and virtue as well as be a strong steward for all creatures great and small. When I think about it too much, I get a giant headache. Then I go outside and look at something beautiful. Something like this:
So imagine my dismay when Trump’s hair visions began creeping into my head. I feel molested, pooped and demoralized. My only solution is to watch the above video over and over again until the evil vision leaves me be. I recommend you do the same. Just listen to that cute purring and cooing. UGH! My heart is jelly again.
I’m sorry that I have been less than present here on Mind Your Dirt the last few weeks. You see I was actually hospitalized from a dog bite two weekends ago. Nothing too major but my dominant hand has been out of commission and my dominant brain has been hopped up on goofballs for the pain. I’ll bring you a note from my doctor. Dr. Huy Ho. I shit thee not. My doctor is a song from a Disney cartoon. Jealous? He is the best doctor I’ve ever had by the by. I digress.
Sasha the mighty husky lab got into a fight with Noe the cow dog beast over the matter of ownership of a stuffed husky cuddle monster. I tried to intervene as I have health insurance and my dog does not. A matter of economics. Well, Noe wasn’t too keen on my getting in the middle and proceeded to sink her back teeth into and through my right ring finger. Fantastically powerful pain and suffering ensued and I’m still not able to do much with my right hand. No stitches were applied as the finger meat was far too tore up for anything to sew to anything else. Want to see photos? I didn’t think so.
I never lost my cool during the entire episode, however, and even spent time to comfort Noe and make sure that she and Sasha were wound free. They were thank goodness. I then played a game of Wits and Wagers with my house guests, built a roaring fire for the making of S’Mores and waited until all guests left. When I tried to go to bed I finally admitted that to fall asleep with the loss of so much blood and the presence of so much pain would be extremely stupid. A sentiment my wise girlfriend and her sister echoed hours before. So what, I’m a stupid man. Big deal.
At 11:30 p.m. Nury and I visited the hospital for a lovely six and a half hour visit of waiting, poking and scrubbing. Good times!! Oh yes, and a healthy $100 copay. Here’s me in the throws of pain and suffering. Feel free to have this enlarged and framed with a caption underneath reading “Lesser Mustachioed Douchbag”.
Regardless, I have a slew of unwritten posts up inside my drug-addled melon, I just need to get them all down as well as take the subsequent associated photographs to bring you added visual delights. Please bear with my recovery and endeavor to do your best to not be around me for the next full moon! I get…bitey.
9 Replies to “Donald Trump’s Hair Lives in my Backyard!”
GET WELL SOON!
as much as the bite’s effect allows.
I have been there before! as a matter of fact I did not even interfere, my fault was I happened to be sitting among my 4 dogs enjoying a lovely yet cold winter sun set outdoors with a drink in one hand when one of them decided to attack another.
as if my pain was not enough while blood gushing down my arm I had to rescue the poor dog who bit me by accident, from the other 3 who tried to tore him to pieces for biting me!
the 3 other being one Great Dane, one Rhodesian ridgeback mongrel and a doberman mongrel where as the victim was a small german shepherd mongrel!
I have had 18 stitches on my matchstick wrist. the doc complained that I was so skinny, if it was not he would put more.
under the circumstances it is forgivable that you do injustice to lovely Piper 🙂
Thank you for both allowing me to wax political as well as slur my Piper’s good name! And… Holy hell! That’s a much worse story than mine! You poor thing. Those are all some significantly large breeds as well. Ridgebacks are lion hunters if I’m not mistaken!
Is it just my babyish man child self, or is a dog bite way more painful than other wounds of equal or greater size? I can’t believe how much it hurts. How long did it take you to heal? Egads! Lucky he didn’t take your arm off.
Also, isn’t Piper the cutest little fluffy butt ever? That purr just kills me. I so heart that lady!
it sure does hurt a while; I do not remember how long mine did -since it was back in 2009. both dog and cat bites do hurts a lot. the body reacts to heal the bitten part, actually I have been told it is the fight of the body against germs in that spot; sending many antibodies to heal it since both -apparently, cat and dog saliva are full of germs.
I now sympathise with a piece of raw meat being fried, that sizzling piece in the pan while being seared seems like that throbbing pain of the bite wound. ouch!
the irony was the doc who was tending my wrist told me to stay in a very sterile place for a few days, it was like a joke while 4 dogs and a cat was waiting for my return to home. so I called a friend to come and help feed them for a few days who kindly came and stayed with us during those first few days with his Pyrenees 🙂
yes Rhodesian’s are lion hunters, they are strong & powerful but fortunately except in this case like Great Danes both are very much in control of their power. since they are both hunters I eventually gave up on having even ordinary chickens which were actually working chickens; cleaning the land from crickets, scorpions, snails or like wise other nuisance creatures in a garden. so enjoy your Piper & Co,. who seems to be getting along well with each other.
as for the “orange” goes, you have my sympathies there too since we already have one of our own for the past 14 years: may GODDESS save you from having your own!
to get well sooner think of all the things you’d do in the garden, make mental lists -just like counting sheep to go to sleep, it helps to get well sooner.
I have managed to keep the wound clean and sterile. Huge priority for me the last few weeks. The swelling has been the biggest issue. Really hones that pain to a lovely crescendo. Just a waiting game at this point. I’m hoping that I haven’t lost any movement or need any P.T. or surgery. I think I’m in the clear for that though.
Yes indeed! All my animals get along swimmingly. My dog is an absolute angel when it comes to learning what critters are part of our weird pack and what critters needs to get chased away. I’ve got her to where she won’t bite, just corner or chase critters off. I demand harmony on my ranch! Which is why a dog bite is so foreign to me. Goes against my harmony rule. A bump in the road we’ll say.
As for the Orange, and the rest of our pool of leadership choices, all I can say is that I’m less than thrilled. I was a staunch Bernie Sanders supporter. Now I’m just towing the party lines. Again, I really do try not to put any politics here. I’d like to have a safe place for such a divided people and hopefully find some unification through more humble yet noble earth tending activities. Or at least a laugh.
Forgive me if you’ve told me already, but where in the world do you live? So I can compare and contrast.
Thank you for your continued solidarity and empathy with bite wounds, I admit that the singular rarity of mine has caused a little concern. Giant-man-baby syndrome. It’ll pass, but it feels good to hear survivor stories. I’d love to see some photos of your dogs sometime. HUGE dog lover over here. Every one I meet is my almost absolute favorite. Sasha, of course, is my one and only true dog love. Thus the portrait.
I hope you’re feeling much better today.
yes, men are less pain-tolerant;
yes, we should continue minding our dirt rather than politics’.
however, I always say that all politicians who have a tendency to believe that they are leaders should have a compulsory gardening experience to have paradise on earth; only then they might understand if not acknowledge and respect how precious all life on this planet earth is.
at the moment I only have two Great Danes and the Doberman mongrel and we live peacefully in our very own paradise in a remote village on the slopes of the Bay of Gokova, in Mugla province, Turkey.
I loved the portrait of you & Sasha, thank you for sharing it. I have written a longer reply yesterday at the end of which while trying to insert some photos of my dogs all text has disappeared into the cyber world. so I will not try this time. surely there must be a way but I do not know how; if you do, please let me know.
have a good day!
Yeow! It hurts to think about your dog bite. They do have mighty jaws. I hope your recovery is fast and complete. Piper is so cute. My black longhaired cat, Lacy, rolls in the gutter and in dried mole hills for her dust bath … and then wants to sleep in my bed. She is silky and soft, though. Guess it works.
Sasha also enjoys dirt baths. Then she sleeps laying against my once white walls. Or on the duvet cover. But, they’re all super cute so we just smile and clean. And clean. And clean.
poor sod, get well soon, brains first, then fingers 😉
My doctor flat out refused to give me robo-hands. He said, “yeah, not with your HMO”. Love my doctor. He said I might be able to get a steam powered ring finger. “To crush tiny rocks with?” I replied.
He said “sure buddy”.