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The True Evil Empire is Monsanto and They are Trying to Kill the World. Join the Rebel Alliance!

Dear reader. Kind reader. Gentle reader. I am so sorry to do this to you, but I am about to go off the rails from my normal posts. I adamantly try to avoid politics or anything too controversial on Mind Your Dirt. I usually try to be approachable in order to reach the widest audience. My goals have always been three-fold: to learn/teach, to inspire and to amuse.

Today, I will be abandoning this goal. I’m throwing it all out the window and I hope that you can bear with me and perhaps even, one day, forgive me. Afterwards I will return to our normal programming. And as a sign of good will, I made certain to make the feature image above hilariously entertaining. At least it is to me. The entire time I created it, I was laughing maniacally. I really crack me up. I sooo get me. When this all blows over, I and I should move in together and make out a bunch. Replacing Darth Vader’s head with that of Monsanto’s CEO, Hugh Grant, tickled me tremendously. But nothing cracked me up as much as sticking Piper’s head on Princess Leia. I digress.

That said, I am about to go on a rant the likes of which you have not seen from me. There might even be a curse word or two! I have always been angry with Monsanto and companies of its ilk (like Dow Chemicals), but I saw something recently that really pushed me too far. I’ll explain below what that something is, but first let’s all get acquainted with Monsanto, shall we? I know that by now, you have all heard something about this company. I know that you know about GMOs and pesticides. You’ve formed your opinions already. But if you’re here, or are one of my regular readers (wassup guys), then chances are your opinions and mine are very similar.

I want to go a little deeper than that however. For herein lies well over a century of the purest evil, manipulation and widespread global murder the likes of which is seldom seen.

Like all great stories, it’s best to start in the beginning…

Mind Your Dirt is Mad at Monsanto 04_James as Lord Vader

Part One: The Dark Lord Emerges:

The company was founded in 1901 by John Francis Queeny, a member of the Knights of Malta and the original Grumpy Cat. He was a thirty-year pharmaceutical veteran. Below is a photo of Queeny at the age of twelve with his pet kitty, Darth Mittens. The powers of The Dark Side had aged him well beyond his years.

Mind Your Dirt is Mad at Monsanto 02_John Francis Queeny the Grumpy Cat
John Francis Queeny, the original grumpy cat.

Continue reading “The True Evil Empire is Monsanto and They are Trying to Kill the World. Join the Rebel Alliance!”

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Broke and Bone Dry: California Water Utility Companies are Essentially Fining Californians for Conserving Water!

I. am. so. thirsty…

It’s been a rough four years here on the West coast. A record drought has ravaged the land year after year and everyone has been feeling the effects. For two years in a row, farmers have had to fallow over a half million acres of land each year. Birds burst into flames spontaneous and drop from the skies like small squawking comets. Reservoirs are receding at alarming rates leaving little more than dried cracked earth and masses of huddled boats and extremely nervous fish.

I often liken it to living on the surface of the sun. When traveling about town, I find it prudent to make slow furtive movements, like that of a tortoise, in hopes that I do not dehydrate into a pile of dust like an ill-stowed mummy. I keep looking to the heavens in search of the giant child with a magnifying glass here to dole out karmic retribution for the evils of my youth.

As a gardener, I feel the effects on a profoundly deep and personal level.  But I’m not alone; it has gotten so bad that Gov. Jerry Brown (ex-lead singer of the Dead Kennedys*) has mandated a mandatory state-wide 25% reduction in water usage. In short, it’s been bleak people!

Mind Your Dirt urban “farms” has done its part in spades! I’ve gotten my water usage down between 60-70% without having to sacrifice too many plants. I’ve even figured out a way to maintain a small portion of my lawn with lush and deep green results!  I’ve created a small scale grey-water reclamation system, replaced many plants with native and drought-tolerant species, layered up thick mulches, and have tried creating shadier micro-climate / “cool zones” that also serve to produce food stuffs for my belly!

In other words, I’ve paid my dues more than two-fold of what was asked of me by the state of California.

Featured Image

So why is it that I now have to suffer from increased rates and fees from the water utility company because their profits are being hindered by too much (mandatory) water conservation? Essentially they’re upset because I’m not buying the water that they don’t have to sell me in the first place?!? What fresh hell is this?

Just read for yourself.

It’s truly a “fined if you do, fined if you don’t” scenario and I am left bereft of hydration and money. Pooped and demoralized. Here, on the surface of the sun. As birds burst into flames.

If you’re having trouble seeing my tears it’s because they evaporate instantly.

[*just kidding. I had you there for a minute didn’t I…]

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Night of the Living Jasmine

[in the voice of Vincent Price]

From dark and chilly depths of fetid yet well fertilized and mulched dirt, the beast reaches deeply into the abyss in search of evil nutrients and minerals of ill intent. Its sickly sweet scent fills the air mockingly, as a warning of what horrors await the gentle passers by. With icy tendrils reaching to the heavens that will no longer accept it, the cold grip seizes all that tread near.

Not only a grip to grasp maidens hair or heroes well coiffed mustaches, these skeletal fingers seek something more profound; your very soul. Move verily and hastily to safe quarters, dear traveler, for ye are beyond the safety of home and hearth!

The jasmine is among us!! For tonight belongs to it. The night of the living jasmine!! Mwahahaha!!

Just in time for Halloween, I have a tale of pure gardening horror and danger. But as with all tales, one must begin…well…in the beginning.

My plan was of noble and simple origins. To sweeten the air entering my bedroom with delicious jasmine flowers. Here in California, the winds are almost always blowing from the West to the East off of the ocean. When I was house hunting I brought along my trusty compass to make certain that sun and wind will be positioned to my favor. So, if I plant a jasmine vine by my back door where the breezes always waft into the house, I’d have my own natural air freshener. Genius right? Yes, yes it is.

What I failed to anticipate was how viney vines are. I began training this vine properly, but as it rose up columns it began to get away from me as I had nowhere to secure it above the columns. I thought I’d tackle that issue as it arose. Well, dear reader, it has risen!

And then some! It began reaching out in all directions to the point that I couldn’t exit the house without getting a face full of reaching tendrils. Some of them tipped with creepy crawly things! I had a friend record a typical day for me to show you. Here I am passing by the vine…

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEsT50D0pcc?rel=0&showinfo=0&w=640&h=360]

As you can see, something needed to be done! My thanks to Craig T. Nelson for coming over to help me out. And a special wag of the finger to Taylor for not chipping in and cuddling with that weird little blonde girl! Bad Taylor! Coward!!
Continue reading “Night of the Living Jasmine”