Night of the Living Jasmine

[in the voice of Vincent Price]

From dark and chilly depths of fetid yet well fertilized and mulched dirt, the beast reaches deeply into the abyss in search of evil nutrients and minerals of ill intent. Its sickly sweet scent fills the air mockingly, as a warning of what horrors await the gentle passers by. With icy tendrils reaching to the heavens that will no longer accept it, the cold grip seizes all that tread near.

Not only a grip to grasp maidens hair or heroes well coiffed mustaches, these skeletal fingers seek something more profound; your very soul. Move verily and hastily to safe quarters, dear traveler, for ye are beyond the safety of home and hearth!

The jasmine is among us!! For tonight belongs to it. The night of the living jasmine!! Mwahahaha!!

Just in time for Halloween, I have a tale of pure gardening horror and danger. But as with all tales, one must begin…well…in the beginning.

My plan was of noble and simple origins. To sweeten the air entering my bedroom with delicious jasmine flowers. Here in California, the winds are almost always blowing from the West to the East off of the ocean. When I was house hunting I brought along my trusty compass to make certain that sun and wind will be positioned to my favor. So, if I plant a jasmine vine by my back door where the breezes always waft into the house, I’d have my own natural air freshener. Genius right? Yes, yes it is.

What I failed to anticipate was how viney vines are. I began training this vine properly, but as it rose up columns it began to get away from me as I had nowhere to secure it above the columns. I thought I’d tackle that issue as it arose. Well, dear reader, it has risen!

And then some! It began reaching out in all directions to the point that I couldn’t exit the house without getting a face full of reaching tendrils. Some of them tipped with creepy crawly things! I had a friend record a typical day for me to show you. Here I am passing by the vine…

As you can see, something needed to be done! My thanks to Craig T. Nelson for coming over to help me out. And a special wag of the finger to Taylor for not chipping in and cuddling with that weird little blonde girl! Bad Taylor! Coward!!
Continue reading “Night of the Living Jasmine”

The Grapes of Wrath…and Cool Shade.

The bounty is upon me gentle reader. I am bursting at the seams with seemingly boundless grapes. I am like a lazy Roman in a toga lounging poolside as hand maidens feed me grape after grape. Except I have no more hand maidens. Stupid unions.

This visual has given me a flashback to a portrait I took in college. About a million years ago. To be more specific, this one.

Chris as Nero
My oldest and bestest friend, Chris. Who will of course forgive me for shamelessly posting this old photo on Mind Your Dirt. I hope.

Apologies Chris for posting this. Although, I have always mentioned to my models that at the end of the day, the photographer retains portfolio and display rights. So…

Just as an odd segue, if you’d like to see a completely outdated website with some photos and published illustrations by me, here is the link. Just be forewarned, there is some subject matter that may not be suitable for children. It’s “art” people so there’s some creative leeway. Also, the political cartoons were paid commissions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the author. Although many do. Only the ones that don’t make you angry. You have been warned! Also, the reason I stopped working on this Wix site was the general shabbiness of its smartphone app, so use your desktop to see all the drawing etc. Sorry.

Okay, back to the grapes. As I always seem to do, I apologize for the digressions.

Continue reading “The Grapes of Wrath…and Cool Shade.”

Building a Flagstone Patio

Ugh, what year is this? The holiday season always leaves me sluggish and lazy. My energies are mostly used up in seeking our my next meal or snack. My fridge is loaded with ham and pies and cheeses. All of which only serve to perpetuate my sluggishness. So, I’ve dragged myself out from under the stove to write a little something something about a time when I wasn’t so inactive. My flagstone patio. Continue reading “Building a Flagstone Patio”