Or… Faster Pussycat! Cull! Cull!
Not too long ago I shared my views on the overwhelming assholery of the guinea fowl. The hatred I felt has only intensified since then. And to think I once loved them dearly! And now that they have full flight capabilities, the entire neighborhood is suffering from an onslaught of auditory shittery. Well folks. I’ve made a huge decision. The birds WILL not live to see 2017!
2016 has been a terrible year for me. Politically and emotionally. It all started with the passing of my beloved David Bowie. Of which I’ve shared me thoughts here. Then it’s been a tumultuous and ever-downward shit-storm. And not only for me personally, I think a large portion of the country will agree that 2016 can readily and vigorously go fuck itself. No lube!!
I haven’t had much material to share with you because every time I go into the yard to either get inspiration, simply unwind or work on a project, I just end up getting pissed off at either the damage the fowl have done, or the ear-piercing noise and shrieking that they’re vomiting into my tender ears. So I end up retreating inside to hide away from the unavoidable murder that MUST occur.
This is no good to either of us. I have lost my one true sanctuary in the world, and you have lost my obnoxious lunacy gently mixed with gardening and danger. Well, That ends tomorrow!! Tomorrow, the Great Hunt begins.
Now look, something you should know about me is that I am a huge nurturer. I have always found that growing or caring for healthy living things is my cup o’ tea. Taking a life of even the smallest of insects is very difficult for me and avoided at all times. I’m a lover y’all. I try to maximize my inner calm and peace in a way that would make Yoda proud.
When I had to cull a rooster a few years ago, it effected me for weeks afterwards. But it had to be done. And part of animal husbandry is doing the tough and ugly chores as well. Like hand-tweezing maggots out of a chicken’s vagina (don’t ask!). Plus, I’m a meat eater so I should be able to provide my own source of food on any level I can anyways.
So now it’s time to apply the war paint. It’s time to man up and do the dirty business at hand. I’m no stranger to applying the war paint as illustrated below.
But what methodology of killing can I deploy with a full-flying group of vulture-like demons? What can I do safely within the city limits? They already sense that I’m coming for them so they fly up to the trees as soon as I’m in the yard. So there can be no neck-snapping or throat-cutting on this one folks.
I have no firearms at all at my disposal either. Not that it would be legal to use them anyways. I have been stockpiling a large amount of zombie killing weapons, but most of them are close range sharp slicey things that probably won’t work too well against sky demons.
I have a fully battle-ready katana that is razor sharp and ready to remove head from neck of any wayward zombie or home invader that receives the business end of that beautiful device.
I have the above photographed mini-flamethrower as well. But that would not be a quick and merciful departure for those unfortunate brutes. The only perk of that would be to cut down on the cooking time. But, once again, it’s a close-range weapon choice.
I could just climb a higher tree and ninja attack them from above. I do have experience in gravity-defiance. As illustrated below.
But let’s keep it real and admit to ourselves that I will most likely just end up killing myself in the process. No folks, there’s only one real solution here for me. I need to call upon another part of my silent-but-deadly zombie killing arsenal. And this one ain’t exactly legal, so let’s keep it between us shall we? And for those law enforcement officers that also are into sustainable urban gardening, this is a work of fiction and not an actual and factual pre-meditated illegal weapon discharge within the city limits!!
All fiction.
Are they gone? Good! So here’s the plan…I do have a regular old fashioned bow and arrow. Of which I may use for it’s decreased risk factors compared to what I have hiding away for the impending zombie apocalypse. A weapon all to powerful for mortal hands to wield.
I introduce you to my (totally imaginary) Man Kung 150 lbs. wooden stock hunting crossbow equipped with 4×20 scope and laser point sight and 3-blade broad head tips for the utter devastating destruction of all large game (or zombies) that are unable to run faster than 210 FPS.
Once again, this is just between us as she’s not exactly “street legal”. Zombies don’t respect the laws of man anyways. It’s also a good thing that this entire article is a work of fiction or else I would be in serious trouble. I’ve also expertly created a completely photoshopped and fabricated image of what it would look like if I actually owned such a weapon and maybe kindasorta took it to a local archery range to test it out. Observe my masterful photoshop skills.
If the above image was real, I imagine one of the archers in that range would’ve come up to me and said something like, “You might want to move several hundred feet back from that target! Your bolts will never be recovered if you don’t”. To which I would’ve said, “Hey thanks man (or lady)! I had no idea this was so powerful!” All hypothetical of course.
So, that’s it campers. Tomorrow the day of reckoning is upon them. I shall reclaim my urban farm once again! And in doing so, I shall have far more projects and jackassery to share with you, my gentle readers. In the interim, have a wonderful and joyous New Years! I raise my glass to all those that have survived 2016 relatively unscathed and pour a little out on the floor for all those that have departed before their time.
 Pat Harrington |  David Bowie |  Alan Rickman |  Dan Haggerty |
 Glen Frey |  Abe Vigoda |  George Gaynes |  Tony Burton |
 George Kennedy |  Nancy Reagan |  Robert Horton |  Joe Santos |
 Joe Garagiola |  Ken Howard |  Peter Brown |  Garry Shandling |
 James Noble |  Patty Duke |  Doris Roberts |  Prince |
 William Schallert |  Morley Safer |  Alan Young |  Mohamed Ali |
 Anton Yelchin |  Noel Neill |  Gary Marshall |  Steven Hill |
 Gene Wilder |  Hugh O’Brian |  Arnold Palmer |  Robert Vaughn |
 Florence Henderson |  Fidel Castro |  Ron Glass |  Van Williams |
 John Glenn |  Alan Thicke |  Bernard Fox |  Zsa Zsa Gabor |
 George Michael |  Carrie Fisher |  Debbie Reynolds |
Until then, wish my luck on my great snipe hunt!
Thanks for the laugh today – your blog shall get some promotion.
One is always happy to serve! Thanks for reading this drivel and madness.
I, too, have an imaginary cross-bow.
They’re theoretically really fun aren’t they!? I imagine.
And quiet.
Your theoretical cross bow looks like just the thing to reclaim your sanctuary. Your sanity, eh, might take a bit longer. Is it just me or are their heads Miniscule? And for God’s sake please don’t ever elaborate on the maggot tweezing incident. I may never recover and be sent to the looney bin with the rest of my kin.
I’m actively trying to release what’s left of my sanity as it tends to make life more robust and interesting.
Yes, their heads are teeny tiny due to the weight of the black hearts that beat in their evil chests. Pulls all the head stuff down into their bodies.
Yeah, the maggot story is not one I tell often. Let’s just say that I do a lot for the health and happiness of my hens and leave it at that.
Thanks for a great laugh, except for the pics of the dead. That was very sobering.
I can see what you mean. But I figured, it is a post about murder…so maybe keep the theme of death going?
I don’t know. Either way, all will be better come January 1st. I can feel it! Thanks for visiting and have a happy New Year!
Sanity is overrated, and you my friend, must be a prince among farmers that you treat your hens so well. Except the fowl ones, of course.
“As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way”
Yes, the typical nurturing is being put on hold tomorrow. But normally, I go way out of the way to make critters happy. Like the tiny bridge I made for wayward snails that get trapped in my pond. Even though snails are also garden jerks. It takes a lot to get my dander up. And it’s definitely up now! Just like their time…
Can’t wait to hear how it would have gone if it hadn’t been entirely imaginary!
Hey Mark! Happy Holidays sir.
I’ll be sure to fill you in on this imaginary scenario once it’s played out. In my imagination of course. Of which I cannot seem to do tonight for some reason. Maybe tomorrow it’ll be clearer as to what the possible outcome might have been. Were this really happening. Which it isn’t.
Wow, for such a gentle-sounding guy, I am shocked that you have a fantasy of owning a crossbow! Although, zombies!! If you imagine taking a shot and missing the evil bird, the arrow won’t hypothetically come down and skewer someone’s dog or kid, will it? Good luck on your theoretical hunt! And here’s to a better 2017!
You know those weird doomsday peppers you see in TV? It’s kinda like that, but for zombies. My logic has been, but what if it DOES happen? All my friends will be heading my way the day the dead rise. They think that just because I’m prepared, I’ll protect them. My little secret is that I’ll be gathering human shields instead 😉
As for the imaginary discharge of such a powerful weapon, I was almost an eagle scout. I have training in firearm safety as well as a healthy respect for projectiles. If the fowl are above me, no shots will be fired. I’ll wait for them to come down and forage in my garden. That way, of by some odd miracle that I miss, the bolt will go in the dirt.
Worth waiting for, Jim
OK, I needed this laugh, as I feel the same way about our rooster. I’m tired of him pecking my cats and running them off so he can eat their food. I’m thinking that the rooster needs to become dinner.
I know that feeling. My ex-rooster was just as obnoxious. It wasn’t easy, but I took care of him finally.
Have you ever culled a chicken before? I need to get more comfortable with the idea if I plan on continuing husbandry. But it’s hard to do for me.
Your stories reflect what a brilliant mind you have Jim. I absolutely love your stories. Love to you and Happy New Year.
Love to you, Momma D.
Is this Marie? Happy new year to you as well!! I hope you and the rest of the family have had a great holiday!
I’m also so glad that you’re enjoying my little urban gardening adventures. Even when they take a dark turn like this one. Not many people have what it takes to be an urban hunter. It involves a lot of fence jumping, which you don’t get in the woods.
Luckily, I have all that practice from when Anthony, Chuck and Michael and I used to garage hop back in the early eighties. Training.
Thanks for the laugh. Glad I didn’t get Guinea fowl. Will they eat bread soaked in whisky? Might slow them down a bit….. if nothing else, could provide for more humor.
Haha, that would be fun! But I doubt they’d go for it. Plus, that’s my whiskey and I’ll need it when this dark deed is done.
It seems that the bb rifle is the way to go. Saves me from climbing anymore trees. My legs are super sore as it is.
As long as the BB doesn’t wind up in the neighbor’s yard. How active are these creatures at night? Can you sneak up on them when they are sleeping?
They roost high up in the pepper tree so a night raid wont work to well for me. Plus, they’ll just fly away anyways.
I’m a dead-eyed shot with a rifle and it seems to be the best method so far.
I wish you luck and look forward to the blog.
Got another one today. Halfway there. I can’t wait until this is all behind me.