Or… Faster Pussycat! Cull! Cull!
Not too long ago I shared my views on the overwhelming assholery of the guinea fowl. The hatred I felt has only intensified since then. And to think I once loved them dearly! And now that they have full flight capabilities, the entire neighborhood is suffering from an onslaught of auditory shittery. Well folks. I’ve made a huge decision. The birds WILL not live to see 2017!
2016 has been a terrible year for me. Politically and emotionally. It all started with the passing of my beloved David Bowie. Of which I’ve shared me thoughts here. Then it’s been a tumultuous and ever-downward shit-storm. And not only for me personally, I think a large portion of the country will agree that 2016 can readily and vigorously go fuck itself. No lube!!
I haven’t had much material to share with you because every time I go into the yard to either get inspiration, simply unwind or work on a project, I just end up getting pissed off at either the damage the fowl have done, or the ear-piercing noise and shrieking that they’re vomiting into my tender ears. So I end up retreating inside to hide away from the unavoidable murder that MUST occur.
This is no good to either of us. I have lost my one true sanctuary in the world, and you have lost my obnoxious lunacy gently mixed with gardening and danger. Well, That ends tomorrow!! Tomorrow, the Great Hunt begins.
Now look, something you should know about me is that I am a huge nurturer. I have always found that growing or caring for healthy living things is my cup o’ tea. Taking a life of even the smallest of insects is very difficult for me and avoided at all times. I’m a lover y’all. I try to maximize my inner calm and peace in a way that would make Yoda proud.
When I had to cull a rooster a few years ago, it effected me for weeks afterwards. But it had to be done. And part of animal husbandry is doing the tough and ugly chores as well. Like hand-tweezing maggots out of a chicken’s vagina (don’t ask!). Plus, I’m a meat eater so I should be able to provide my own source of food on any level I can anyways.
So now it’s time to apply the war paint. It’s time to man up and do the dirty business at hand. I’m no stranger to applying the war paint as illustrated below.
But what methodology of killing can I deploy with a full-flying group of vulture-like demons? What can I do safely within the city limits? They already sense that I’m coming for them so they fly up to the trees as soon as I’m in the yard. So there can be no neck-snapping or throat-cutting on this one folks.
I have no firearms at all at my disposal either. Not that it would be legal to use them anyways. I have been stockpiling a large amount of zombie killing weapons, but most of them are close range sharp slicey things that probably won’t work too well against sky demons.
I have a fully battle-ready katana that is razor sharp and ready to remove head from neck of any wayward zombie or home invader that receives the business end of that beautiful device.
I have the above photographed mini-flamethrower as well. But that would not be a quick and merciful departure for those unfortunate brutes. The only perk of that would be to cut down on the cooking time. But, once again, it’s a close-range weapon choice.
I could just climb a higher tree and ninja attack them from above. I do have experience in gravity-defiance. As illustrated below.
But let’s keep it real and admit to ourselves that I will most likely just end up killing myself in the process. No folks, there’s only one real solution here for me. I need to call upon another part of my silent-but-deadly zombie killing arsenal. And this one ain’t exactly legal, so let’s keep it between us shall we? And for those law enforcement officers that also are into sustainable urban gardening, this is a work of fiction and not an actual and factual pre-meditated illegal weapon discharge within the city limits!!
Are they gone? Good! So here’s the plan…I do have a regular old fashioned bow and arrow. Of which I may use for it’s decreased risk factors compared to what I have hiding away for the impending zombie apocalypse. A weapon all to powerful for mortal hands to wield.
I introduce you to my (totally imaginary) Man Kung 150 lbs. wooden stock hunting crossbow equipped with 4×20 scope and laser point sight and 3-blade broad head tips for the utter devastating destruction of all large game (or zombies) that are unable to run faster than 210 FPS.
Once again, this is just between us as she’s not exactly “street legal”. Zombies don’t respect the laws of man anyways. It’s also a good thing that this entire article is a work of fiction or else I would be in serious trouble. I’ve also expertly created a completely photoshopped and fabricated image of what it would look like if I actually owned such a weapon and maybe kindasorta took it to a local archery range to test it out. Observe my masterful photoshop skills.
If the above image was real, I imagine one of the archers in that range would’ve come up to me and said something like, “You might want to move several hundred feet back from that target! Your bolts will never be recovered if you don’t”. To which I would’ve said, “Hey thanks man (or lady)! I had no idea this was so powerful!” All hypothetical of course.
So, that’s it campers. Tomorrow the day of reckoning is upon them. I shall reclaim my urban farm once again! And in doing so, I shall have far more projects and jackassery to share with you, my gentle readers. In the interim, have a wonderful and joyous New Years! I raise my glass to all those that have survived 2016 relatively unscathed and pour a little out on the floor for all those that have departed before their time.
Until then, wish my luck on my great snipe hunt!