For those that know me well you are fully aware, and hopefully fully prepared, for my many attempts at Total Global Domination. I have asked all my scientist friends over the years to aid in my noble efforts in one form or another. I’m looking at you Marty Cowles! Your delivery of one thousand mutated chimpanzees with backpacks loaded with two ferrets are late by the way!
There are a few ways to become a true mad scientist. One obvious one is to be insane AND be good at science. I’m halfway there. Another is to be crazy rich and have your own island fortress of doom. I’m way off from that!
A third path, and the one I’ve been following, is to hang around people that can get you part of the way. Collectively you can reign supreme. Eventually!
Well today, dear readers, I have moved one giant step forward towards my goals! On eight giant legs. I have driven the coolest giant atomic death robot ever! A complete dream come true!! Before I show you the video, perhaps some backstory is in order.
Two days ago I noticed an oddly placed bit of chain-link fencing appear in front of the museum. As a caretaker of our objects, I’m always keeping my eyes out for any danger so I watched this with side-eyed caution.
Then yesterday when I came in to work in the morning, I noticed a large trailer rig was there with all sorts of metal whatsits poking out. Being the very skeptical and un-trusting sort, I immediately suspected nefarious activities were afoot! And I wasn’t invited to participate!! This won’t do at all.
Then from behind the clunking steel a head popped up and I met my new hero, Scott Parenteau. The man behind the beast. I immediately took a liking to this craftsman and took it upon myself to get to know him better. I said something along the lines of “Say there mister, looks to me that you may be constructing a giant atomic death robot there!”
He chuckled, but didn’t deny it.
He explained that the mayor of San Diego will be here the following day for a press preview discussing the San Diego Makers Faire 2016 and his walking beast is to be one of the features for the event. My feeling of kindred spiritness was confirmed! From time to time I’d pass by during my museum duties and travels to check in on his construction of the Tin Spider. Here it is without its head…
I could tell yesterday that it was going to be amazing! I made a special point of being in attendance for the press preview at 11:00 a.m. sharp. And was not disappointed! The complications of this mechanized automaton were mesmerizing to watch. Like an organic arachnid nightmare from the mind of H.G. Wells, the beast lunged forward alighted upon smooth and fluid legs with an almost Moon Walking elegance.
I knew it was now or never so I talked to Scott about the kinda maybe sorta possibility of maybe kinda letting me get inside for a teeny tiny photograph? PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE! After the mayor and the press leave of course! He said, “Sure man, why not!”
I stabilized myself against a nearby post from the sudden waves of an apparent nerdgasm which griped my very soul. So once the masses subsided and the camera crews moved on to film other, clearly less interesting, things I got called up to the front of the museum for the photo op of my dreams.
From a remote control, Scott lowered the central elevator which had a simple padded stool. I scurried on inside to sit down with great anticipation. He then said, “are you sure you want to go up, because the elevator has been acting funny”. I said, “Are you kidding?! I’ll take the chance!” With a fluid motion the elevator began to rise into the belly of the beast. The inside of the mechanized tin spider was warm yet inviting. The maniacal laughter began to rise in the back of my throat as my eyes widened and my grin began to crack my face. This was happening!
I pushed back all the desires I had to escape the civilized world in this new and amazing toy while crushing buildings and holding entire cities for ransom. I was made for situations like this one! But, I have a mortgage and a dog and a good job and a good girlfriend and cute and fuzzy things at home relying on me to not take over the world today. I have adulting to do. Stupid banal repetitive adulting. I must…not…lose…control!
Then Scott said, “Hey, you wanna drive it?”
The synapses in my brain began to crack. My already weakened resolve was being tested yet again! DEATH TO ALL HUMANS…wait. No. Adulting.
“Heck, why not!” I calmly replied.
I am of the opinion that when you choose to NOT go on a murderous global domination rampage, you are in fact saving lives. By not taking any. In this regard, you are welcome greater San Diego area (and the rest of the world). Today I saved all of your lives! I am a hero!
Now, without further adieu, I give you The Day the Earth Stood Still. Or, James and the Giant Atomic Death Robot. Sans lasers.
A special thank you to Nora Sanchez for letting me pull her from her desk to take some video and still shots! You are the bestest coworker ever! And thank you Scott for letting me test drive this completely amazing contraption! Truly a highlight of my mad scientist career! I will be in touch for future…projects! Mwahahahaaahahahaa….hahaha!!